How true

# Balqesh Abdullah

Reminder to myself

May Allah protect us from the bad habit of insulting others. May He purifies our heart and sees only goodness in others. Ameen.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Love Never Felt So Good

I LOVE this song. It is on my iPod playlist. On repeat. The whole day.

The use of Micheal Jackson's old video setting together with Justin Timberlake and dancers were cleverly done. It is really an awesome dance music video.

I have never seen Justin Timberlake as a cool dude. In my mind, he is the curly haired 'N Sync member and a sour grape who wrote nasty song about Britney. He looks so good in this music video. I do not know whether age agrees with him or him imitating MJ moves, he has my vote now.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Busy Bee

'It is not so much so much how busy you are but why you are busy. The bee is praised. The mosquito is swatted'- Unknown

It’s been a while since I last blog. I have been busy. Alhamdullilah life has been kind to me. I am blessed to be surrounded by great family members and true friends. I also have developed skills to explore the beauty and wonder of nature. I avoid any association with toxic people. Life has been zen thereon. Of course there are certain quarters that is still vengeful but hey- successful people do let garbage truck take over their day right?

# Balqesh Abdullah

Bubbles club

I have a come a long way when it comes to diving. I was the most uncoolest diver around. Every possibly sin when it comes to diving, I am a sinner. Name it. Poor buoyancy, check, hyperventilating, check, destroying and killing corals with my finning, check, fog mask and never be able to clear mask under water, check, takes way too long to equalize, check, finning too fast and bumping into others, check, created sandstorm underwater while others trying to admire a macro, check and getting sea sick on the boat, check. Sometimes I wonder why others tolerated me in their diving circles. The only possible reason is I must be the butt of their joke. With poor skills like that, even the fishes are having a good laugh:)

I had the burning desire to dive since I was twelve years old. I don't know what triggered my interest but I just wanted to dive. I remembered telling my parents I want to dive. Obviously it was faced with much scorn and objections. In the eyes of my parents, diving equals to me putting my head in an alligator mouth. I carried the interest in me for a very long time. I finally got my break when I convinced my then hubby to dive. Off we went to Tioman for our open water certification. On my very first dive, I couldn't equalize. The instructor thought I was not properly weighted so he pulled me down and I blew my nose too hard. The next thing I know my world was spinning. Quick check and I have a ruptured ear drum. When the doctor told me I had a ruptured ear drum, the first thing that came to my mind is my mother's image and she vocalizing 'I told you so'. I couldn't walk straight for two weeks. I was having headache because my balance was off and I could only hear from one ear.The worst was I could not dive for the next six months. What? Six months?Mana boleh jadi ni cause my then hubby already had his certification.

My then hubby was supportive of my interest. I finally managed to get my certification at 5 star IDC centre in Perhentian years after the Tioman incident. Although I was not entirely comfortable underwater, I took Advance License. For me, the certification for Advance License was easier compared to Open Water certification. I get to do wreck dive and night dive which is my favourite bit of diving. I also did deep diving without experiencing vertigo. Despite getting my Advance License certification, I was still uncomfortable underwater. I would dive with a fog mask because clearing mask underwater scared the shit out of me.

I would take up any chance in diving. Every spare cash and holiday would be spared for diving trips. The old adage of practise makes perfect rings some truth. My buoyancy improves with every dive. I used to dive like a seahorse. Now my body is streamline. I guess it comes with age I am now more calm underwater. My air consumption is good. Now I am able to do fin pivotting effortlessly. Armed with improved skills, I discovered a new found love. Underwater photography.

I regularly find the dismissive attitude the topside world adopts regarding underwater photographers and their work exceptionally frustrating. No matter how difficult, costly or even downright risky taking photographs in the ocean may be or how objectively splendid the pictures, they will always be given a cursory, if luckily, grudgingly admiring glance before turning to more serious materials like politicians, racing cars and palace. This is so strange. For a planet 70% covered by sea and which should, in all honesty, be better known as "Water" rather than "Earth", humans seems to care very little. The sad, inescapable fact is that nowadays the vast majority basically think the ocean as a wet, windy, dark and dangerous place where fish is simply found only to be caught and eaten in endless quantities and will sustain this attitude until the last fish is gone.

Diving in the sea is strange enough but taking photographs down there, oh dear, that's only for obsessed amateurs. A cute picture of a kitten or a kid playing with a balloon is more fascinating than seldom seen marine creature or a spectacular underwater panorama. It is difficult to accept this when you think that the human race knows almost nothing of the sea and its inhabitants, that the oceans are the last frontier to be explored and that most of the world's new species being discovered today come from the marine environment. The endless beauty and staggering color palette of the underwater world , not to mention its scientific load of yet-to-be-tapped knowledge really seems to fail in eliciting any real interest outside diving circles.

That was the depressing part. Why then I want to take pictures underwater? The simplest reason is I like it. I love the fact that I can capture and take home pleasant memories of the dive trips. I am my own master and critic. However the pictures turn out, it is fine, since I am doing it for my own enjoyment. I just get wet, click around and be happy. It’s my life after all. Every dive is another step in a new direction and I have the chance of seeing and maybe photographing something mysterious and possibly unknown. Despite the funny stares I may get on dry land, I am spearheading the exploration of a new world, so incredibly complex, so little documented and yet so dangerously threatened by uncontrolled human activity. I dive in awe, every time, everywhere and at any depth and I have the moral duty to bring back tangible records of what I have experienced, to be shared with the rest of the world, that landlocked world to whom our seas are as remote as the reaches of outer space to share the knowledge, however amateurish and incomplete it may be. Knowledge brings respect, and respects in turn gives rise to understanding and ultimately love. Love is what oceans need today from all of us, for without love there can be no conservation. So how’s that for a motivation, ey?

# Balqesh Abdullah

Abracadabra!

There is a past, a long ago past and a long gone dead buried past. Unearth it using the right tools.Unless you have a mission to fulfill a Pharaoh's orders, by all means dig it!If not, prepare your own grave and cover your multitude of bad attitude in it. Nobody needs another scumbag
Anonymous

Black magic is invoked when wishing to kill, steal, injure, cause misfortune or destruction, or for personal gain without regard to harmful consequences to others.

I do not understand why you need to resort to black magic. You tried to portray to the world that you are pious but in truth, you are seeking help from the black magic man in Thailand.I also know about your recent trip to Jakarta.Seeking help from dukun there too?

I know your real intention. You want to squeeze every penny out of me. My advice is, if you want money, find it through the halal way. Get a proper education, get a proper job and with the decent monthly salary, save it. Not through fake promises,lies, extortion, force or your top of this wish list;your hope that your dad is dead so u can inherit his money.Stop being a parasite, will ya?

Remember, what goes around comes around. Allah is fair. The prayer of orang kena aniaya is easily makbulkan by Allah. I will not forgive you. You have a black heart. I feel sorry for ever knowing a sad soul like you.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Running rocks!

"He who fears being conquered is sure of defeat"-Napoleon Bonaparte

I love running. I have always been running. For ages. I do not have the physique of a runner but I do love to run. I do not run fast.I am more of long distance runner. Slow but clocks the distance.

In school, I was never a runner and I suck at sports. I wasn't fast enough. My eyes, hands and legs coordination is very poor. Despite all that, I ran. On my own. At my own time.

The moment I mention I run, it will be met with skepticism . I may not have the lean physique or rippling muscles or the thunder thighs. In short the physique of a runner. I have chubby arms and thighs, a pouch and sagging ass. But does that mean I am a couch potato?I have a marathon buddy. She too endured the same skepticism the moment she mention she runs. Let me share you some real-live snippets of the chides that we have to endure.

Example No.1:

A:So how was the marathon?What was your time?
B:Roughly 1hour 20-25 mins, the unofficial time on my watch lah
A:Ohh..let's hope the official time keeper wasn't asleep la that time
B:Dey...these days mana ada physical time keeper. Orang pakai chip kat kasut to track the time
A:Ohh..well let's hope the battery wasn't dead while you were running

Example No.2:

Me and my marathon buddy just finished our breakfast at mamak joint after one of the toughest marathon together. We were still in our marathon attire. We bumped into her neighbour.
Neighbour: Where were you from?
Marathon buddy:Just finish a marathon
Neighbour:Dapat number berapa?
Before she had the chance to reply, the neighbour went "dapat nombor last kan"

Example No.3:

"Boleh ke you run?Mesti you tak habis punya"

and the list goes on and on.

Sometimes I wonder why do people have to be so negative and pessimistic?I would in awe if I hear friends doing positive activities in their lives. I wonder why others cant feel the same?Beats me

I do not run competitively. I run for the sheer fun of running. If you talk to serious runners,they will have their running groups.They will talk about the foot works, the runners high and their personal record. Me?Nada. Just me,stamina, willpower and now my angry songs from the play list from my Ipod.

I know running is all about mind over matter.Your mind needs to be strong. It is a serious matter and it should not be taken lightly. If I do not train or do the proper warm down, my body will suffer. I did a gruelling marathon two weeks after Hari Raya. I hardly train during Ramadhan. Running with an empty stomach is like a car trying to run without fuel. I was slacking until the day of the marathon. I was hoping the lemangs, rendangs, chocolate brownies and all the yummylicious raya goodies will provide me with the extra energy for the run. I was so so wrong. The course was hilly and tough. The weather was scorching hot. At one point, I wanted to puke.Like I said earlier, its mind over matter. I finish the marathon with a very sore body and very bad sun burnt.

I was determined not to go through the same experience as the past gruelling marathon. I train. Hard. I didn't rest on my laurels.Guess what?The next marathon, it was a breeze. My body did not ache after the marathon. I felt strong. My timing was much better than the rest of my marathons.

My aim is to do 21km next year. Yes, my jiggly arms, thighs, pouch and sagging ass will slow run to the finishing line of 21km next year.To my marathon buddy, ada berani?:)

# Balqesh Abdullah

Sonia- Part 2

This entry is dedicated to my daughter. Those none kids lover, kindly skip the entry. This is an entry of pure gushing of my undying love for my daughter.

Sonia Eelia, I want you to know that the moment I saw you, I instantly fell in love with you.For me, you are the most beautiful baby I have ever laid my eyes on. I was so overwhelm with love that I wanted to guard you with my life.I still hold the feelings till to date. I am pretty sure that even to my last breath, I still will hold true to my undying love towards you.

I want you to know that mummy is so proud of you.

For a toddler of your age, you are so intelligent. You could understand and comprehend the sticky situation your mummy seems to face.

You always try to offer yourself as mummy's solace when mummy is blue.

I admire your train of thoughts. Your quick wit answers always provide joy to mummy's and all listening ears.

You are so loving and caring, even to those who have little patience over your stubbornness.

You are so giving and always want to please people around you.

You always want to help others. Even to strangers.

I am one of the most luckiest woman in this world as every day I am with you,I will never be short of flowers as you will pick flowers for me, be it from the park or Uncle Lim the neighbour blossoming pots of flowers or those on the street.

When I am under the weather, you tried to nurse me back to health.Your caring ways is the perfect antidote for any of mummy's sickness.

You are always trying to be the elder sister to all the younger kids and always try to amuse them with your singing, toys and facial gestures.

You are turning into a vain pot. You always wants to look presentable. You are natural in front of camera.Hmmmnn..I guess that traits comes from your abah.Definitely not from me.LOL

I see you growing, from an infant to a toddler. Time really flies. Now you are no more a baby.Your taste in music has changed, from nursery rhymes to Katy Perry and Lady Gaga songs. How your interest have changed from Pocoyo and Dibo the Gift Dragon to Troy from High School Musical and Jonas Brothers from Camp Rock. How you idolised Sharpei Evans compared to Dora the Explorer.Now you are into pretty make up,nail polish and pretty pink frilly dresses. The next thing I know you are off to college and then climbing the corporate ladder.

Sonia Eelia, although mummy can be grumpy at times or when mummy tells you off when you are out off line, I want you to know I really love you with all my heart. I am so thankful to have you in my life. I would not be the woman I am now, not for you. You made me a stronger and a much more determined person that only wants the best for you.I will never allow anyone to harm you. The day that you are taken from me is the day you see me crumble into pieces so lets hope that day will never come, although certain spiteful person attempted to do that to us. I treasure all the times we spent together, be it fighting with each other, dancing to silly pop songs or you forcing me to watch all your cartoon or Disney channels.

I pray you will be a much more better person than mummy when you grow up. I pray your future will be much more brighter than mummy's.I pray Allah will protect you from any harm. I pray that you will not endure as much heartache and pain as mummy have experienced. I pray that one day you too will be proud to have me as your mummy. I love you Sonia Eelia. You are truly a God's gift to mummy.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Loose lips sink ships

"Find arms that will hold you at your weakest
Eyes that will see you at your ugliest
A heart that will love you at your worst"
anonymous

By nature, I am a trusty person.Once trust is destroyed, it is very difficult to regain it. I expect the same from others but sad to say at times like this, you will discover who is friends or foes. The pain of loosing trust is magnified by how much I care for the other party.

Guess some friends are for keeps and some are forsaken.I have come to peace with myself. If a friendship are less than idylic, make amends or make do. If I cannot help with my hands, I can with my ears and with my heart. If it doesnt work out, let it go.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Witty friend

A dear friend dedicated a blog for me.She encapsulate my turbulent times in her own words.Do read her witty writings at http://scribblesthoughtsnsuch.blogspot.com

Doll, u are a gem of a friend. Love you loads!!

*She wrote an entry about B or bee. Bee is the stupid whore E cheated me on.E called her bee.Yes, as in the bee that stings you.Of all the terms of endearment, he chose bee.What to do.His mentality and her mentality is just serving and cleaning after people's leftover

# Balqesh Abdullah

My take on u

I am going through a lot, a hell lot. Sometimes I do not understand why life throws curve balls at me all the time. Sometimes I wonder why God challenge me with the hardest of test?Everyone would say there is a silver lining to every dark clouds.Easier said than swallowing it.

As I got older, life experience taught me of what I didn't want in a marriage. It also gave me a better sense of what I really want. I no longer want to be a door mat. I also will not tolerate husband who cheats me of my honest living, a manipulative and twisted husband who goes all out to destroy all that i have taken years to build, an abusive husband who physically, emotionally and financially abusive towards me.I also will not tolerate a husband who is a cheater and a liar who lies through his teeth about every imaginable things possible and a husband who does not have any sense of respect towards me and my loved ones.

After all those sleepless nights, I have come to a conclusion. When I whittle it down to its essence, it is actually his expression of contempt. When he cheats to hurt me, he is actually hurting himself. I can never fathom forgiving him for all that he has done. I have thrown in the towel on my marriage when he failed me.

I can safely say to you that I cant resign to a life of quiet misery with a man who I have lost all sense of respect, as a husband, a man and a friend.

U have done way too much damage. Stop blaming others. Others were not the reason why I left you. You and your impossible ways are the sole reason why I abandoned the marriage. Stomach that. Farewell E.

# Balqesh Abdullah

ENOUGH

It is better to have loved and lost than to live with psycho the rest of your life

It is funny how psychotic a person can be and demand me to go back to him although he goes all out to destroy my world.tsk!tsk!tsk!Note to psycho, game is on. NOTHING you do will make me crawl back to your abusive and cheating self

# Balqesh Abdullah

liar!liar!pants on fire!

You are so full of lies. You are so ashamed of yourself that you lied about your own identity.Trying to garner support by potraying yourself as a loving husband?Trying to preach religion when you are the one who aniaya me and sonia.Trying to deny you were never abusive towards me?

Since you are going down the religious route, my suggestion to you muhasabah diri.No sane woman would run away from a perfect marriage. You are impossible. You are so full of lies, hatred and anger. You will never find peace because your heart is so black.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career,
however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love, for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy

Max Ehrmann

# Balqesh Abdullah

Marriage

You were born together and together you shall be forevermore
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days
Ay, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God
But let there be spaces in your togetherness
And let the winds of the heavens dance between you

Love one another but make not a bond of love
Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup
Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf
Sing and dance together and be joyous but let each one of you be alone
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music

Give your hearts but not into each other's keeping
For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts
And stand together yet not too near together
For the pillars of the temple stand apart
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow

Khalil Gibran

# Balqesh Abdullah 

Perfect

I read this beautiful words at my friend's FB page. It was beautifully written. It would be a shame such lovely words not shared with others.Enjoy:)

'You may not be her first, her last, or her only
She loved before
She may love again
But if she loves you now, what else matters?
She is not perfect
You aren't either
And the two of you may never be perfect together
But if she can make you laugh
Cause you to think twice
Admit to being human being
And making mistakes
Hold onto her
Give her the most you can

She may not be thinking about you every seconds of the day
But she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break- Her heart

So don't hurt her
Don't change her
Don't analyze
Don't expect more than she can give

Smile when she makes you happy
Let her know when she makes you mad
Miss her when she is not there'

Bob Marley

# Balqesh Abdullah

Faith

When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
You want to smile but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down
Rest if you must but dont you quit

Life is queer with its twist and turn
As every one of us sometimes learn
Many a failure turns about
He might have won had he stuck it out

Dont give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow
Success is a failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

You can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
Stick to the fight when you are the hardest hit
It is when things seems wrong that you must not quit

unknown

# Balqesh Abdullah

new leaf

I have put my life on hold for the past few months for you. It is crystal clear that you are the same person when I left you. You are trying to mask all your faults by shifting the blame on me when you are the problem.Trying to jade me with all your tears and terror tactics again?I am a fool no more

# Balqesh Abdullah

Matrix of domination

My dearest E,

You have shown remarkable disrespect to me and my loved ones. It is breathtaking to me the level to which the disrespect has rises. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. I have been stripped bare and I will work with everything I have. If you cannot accept my talents and abilities, I do not need you and you dont deserve me. I am just tired. Tired of going through the cycles.Tired of the emotional pains you have inflicted on me. Tired of investing real commitments in this marriage.Tired of your constant taunt.Tired of you.

# Balqesh Abdullah

withered rose

"When love beckons to you, follow him
Though his ways are hard and steep
Though the sword hidden amongs his pinions may wound you
It kneads you until you are pliant"-Khalil Gibran

I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say but I have failed. I can only summarize my whole feelings on my current state of marriage in this extract from a dear friend

"The strength of a lady is not by how hard she hits but in how tender she touches
Not in the weight she can lift but in the burden she can bear"

# Balqesh Abdullah