I dont know anymore

"You see, i loved her. It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight"-Lolita

I came across this quote when I was reading Tony Parson's "My Favourite Wife".I have always enjoyed reading his writings. Somehow I feel his "Man & Boy " and "Man & Wife" is a narration of my life. He evokes my emotions with his writings. I cried, laughed reading his books and I even quote his writings everytime I write, be it in my sms, my comments on people's notes on FB or my failed attempt to write in Notes in FB.

Waiiittt......this entry is not about Tony Parson. This entry is about-I dont know anymore.

Right then. When I came across this quote, I asked myself "Is this real?"Can anyone experience such deep emotions?".

I guess I can see the relevance of this quote if we are talking about our precious lil one but can I safely say that it can be applied to our partner?

You know what?I dont know anymore. I thought I knew it all. I thought that I was the perfect wife. I thought that I would make him happy. I thought I could be his centre of universe. I thought I could be his confidant. But I have to say, I failed.Miserably.

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I tried, I seem to hurt him. Again and again.

When we were started courting each other, I could feel the love. From the way he speaks to me to the way he looks at me. We could be in complete silence but yet, I felt his love. Now, he look past through me. I dont make him laugh. The very sight of me does not make him smile. Even the hugs feels empty.

I dont know whether its the curse of the first year of marriage or we are still adjusting to each or the stress of work has taken a toll on us, I just dont know anymore.

I read it somewhere " When there is nothing left, that is when you find out that love is all you need". Let me add to it " How do you give love when the door shuts even before you have the chance to knock on it?".

Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am not destined to be happily married ever after. Maybe I am just a selfish prick. Maybe I am a self centred person. Maybe I am not capable in making him a happy person. Maybe I just cant keep my man. You know what?I just dont know anymore.

# Balqesh Abdullah