I dont know anymore

"You see, i loved her. It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight"-Lolita

I came across this quote when I was reading Tony Parson's "My Favourite Wife".I have always enjoyed reading his writings. Somehow I feel his "Man & Boy " and "Man & Wife" is a narration of my life. He evokes my emotions with his writings. I cried, laughed reading his books and I even quote his writings everytime I write, be it in my sms, my comments on people's notes on FB or my failed attempt to write in Notes in FB.

Waiiittt......this entry is not about Tony Parson. This entry is about-I dont know anymore.

Right then. When I came across this quote, I asked myself "Is this real?"Can anyone experience such deep emotions?".

I guess I can see the relevance of this quote if we are talking about our precious lil one but can I safely say that it can be applied to our partner?

You know what?I dont know anymore. I thought I knew it all. I thought that I was the perfect wife. I thought that I would make him happy. I thought I could be his centre of universe. I thought I could be his confidant. But I have to say, I failed.Miserably.

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I tried, I seem to hurt him. Again and again.

When we were started courting each other, I could feel the love. From the way he speaks to me to the way he looks at me. We could be in complete silence but yet, I felt his love. Now, he look past through me. I dont make him laugh. The very sight of me does not make him smile. Even the hugs feels empty.

I dont know whether its the curse of the first year of marriage or we are still adjusting to each or the stress of work has taken a toll on us, I just dont know anymore.

I read it somewhere " When there is nothing left, that is when you find out that love is all you need". Let me add to it " How do you give love when the door shuts even before you have the chance to knock on it?".

Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am not destined to be happily married ever after. Maybe I am just a selfish prick. Maybe I am a self centred person. Maybe I am not capable in making him a happy person. Maybe I just cant keep my man. You know what?I just dont know anymore.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Sonia- Part 1

This entry is a pure mummy's talk that single people or people that don't fancy kids dreads so if you fall into the category, please skip this entry;)I don't know whats with us mummy that we need to rave our kids all the time to everyone. Even to strangers. I know its annoying but I guess it is already built in every mummy. Whats more important in life than the little ones that screams "Mummy!Mummy!"every five seconds rite?

I still remembered the first time I saw the two red lines on the cheap pregnancy test kit I bought from Guardian. I had the hunch that I am preggars even before I tested myself. When the result came in positive, I was happy. For someone who is selfish and have low tolerance for kids, I was actually amazed at my own reaction.I never fancied kids.Back then, if you show me a cute kid, I would go "Oh, OK".I would not know how to react to kids and I would get headache when they make too much noise. I would silently curse parents that have kids wailing and running wild in restaurant or the hairdressers or the hypermarkets or clinic or anywhere for that matter.I am one of those people that the maternal instinct does not kick in until very late. As for my case,it only kicked in the moment she was placed on my chest, all bloody and wet after I endured excruciating pain of stage two labour and three days of labour pain.It was truly magical. I had this huge surge of love to this slimy screaming infant out of sudden.I was overwhelmed & overjoyed. I guess only mothers can attest to my feelings at that moment.

My pregnancy with Sonia was a very good one. I had occasional minor morning sickness,bad case of heartburn and at the later stage of pregnancy, one of the nerves at my back thigh was giving me a nagging pain. Besides that, it was a breeze. I had good appetite, I exercised second trimester onwards and I was running my day to day without any glitches.As she was growing inside my tummy, I could feel her kicking me. I noticed that she does it early morning or when its time for me to sleep or when I do my yoga poses.She hates certain food that I love, e.g ampang yong tau foo or the midvalley's garden cafe assam laksa.She loves nasi lemak!!!Especially the really spicy gravy and the soft fluffy rice.It does not help that my colleagues were buying nasi lemak every other day because she knew I was crazy about nasi lemak. Thank god I was able to exercise my way through pregnancy. I am sure I would have ballooned and look like Rosie O'Donnell by the time I pooped her out into this world.

All my check up with the gyne was all good until one day, I went for my second opinion with Dr Raman and he said, the water level around my baby was low and advised me to drink more water. He then asked me to visit him again the following week for a checkup. As it is, I was drinking like a fish. After the check up, I was drinking like a camel.When I came back the following week, Dr Raman said it is better but I am not out from the woods yet. He advised me to monitor the water level around the baby closely.He said, if its too low, it could endanger the baby's life and I may have to go for C section or induction if it threatens the livelihood of my baby. I must say, I feel the world was crushing down on me. It didn't help that my then partner was not there to shoulder the pain. All I could do is pray for the best.I went for my routine check up with Dr Wong and I brought the matter up and he too confirmed it. I was disappointed that Dr Wong did not detected it earlier and naturally, I wanted Dr Raman to be my primary gyne. After a quick chat with Dr Raman, I decided I should stick to Dr Wong because Dr Wong shares the same view about labour.

Subsequently Dr Wong kept a close watch on my water level every check up and then advised me that I should do induction as the water level is becoming way to low. He then set the induction date on the 6th June 2006. What a date!!The night before the induction, I could not sleep. I prayed tahajud and doa that my labour will be a smooth one. My sister and mother send me to the hospital early in the morning. As I was walking to the car, I could feel her kicking me hard at the stomach. I rubbed my tummy and said " Soon Sonia, soon OK?". As soon as I reached the hospital, they ushered me to the labour room. The nurse came in and put a tablet into my private area and attached the labour pain machine to measure my pain. She said the pill will help with the labour and she said, by 12pm, I should be ready for labour. 12pm came and nothing happened. 3pm came and nothing happened and Dr Wong came in and put in the tablet inside me.He said, I should be ready for labour by 7pm. 7pm came and nothing happened. Dr Wong came and said "Ok, we should try this again tomorrow". Tomorrow came, went through the same thing, nothing came. I was getting restless. Late evening, I was wheeled to his clinic and he had to say the magic word "Balqesh, if tomorrow, you don't deliver, I don't have much choice but to perform a C section on you". I panicked and was disappointed with myself. Kenapa la susah sangat ni?That night, I told my then partner I wanted to eat Pizza and slept soundly after gorging on sinful pizza.Around one-ish in the morning, I went to the toilet to pee and I saw fresh blood in the toilet bowl. I called the nurse and she said due to the invasive intrusion to my private area, it is normal to have discharge.I went to the toilet again around 3am and I noticed the flesh blood in the toilet bowl again and the nurse said "Don't worry, its normal". Around 3-ish, my pantie area is wet and I noticed the stream of water gushing out of me and I called the same nurse and she then said to me " Oh!Your water break already" and she had the nerve to say to me "I think you should take epidural because looking at you, I don't think you can take the pain". Inside my heart " How do you know?You don't even know me".

After a quick shower, they wheeled me to the labour room. Another waiting game. About 12-ish, I could feel the pain but it is bearable. I asked for the jab to relief the pain. The jab made me really drowsy and sleepy. I vomitted few times. All the nurses that came in pestered me to take epidural but I was determined not to .Around 3-ish, I asked the nurse "Where is the gas?"She said to me, "There, right behind you". OMG!!!I felt like kicking the woman.About 5pm, the pain was unbearable. I was in so much pain.My then partner and the nurses kept on pushing me to use epidural but I was determined not to use it. Around 7-ish, I said to my then partner, "I want to pass motion". The nurses came in and said, "NO!You are going to give birth soon!" I said, "No, I need to pass motion. I need to go to toilet NOW!!!".They called Dr Wong and he came in with his Phua Chu Kang yellow boots and inspected me and said, "Balqesh, you are going to give birth soon". He asked me to breath the way Lamaze class thought me.He instructed me not to push until he asked me to. After a few Lamaze breathing, he said, "Ok Balqesh!Push!". I was trying to push with every might in my body. I was already so tired of three days of waiting game and labour pain.I pushed and pushed but Sonia is nowhere in sight. Dr Wong then said " Balqesh, I am going to perform episiotomy on you ok?". The moment he performed it on me, he asked me to push but nothing came out. He then said " Balqesh, we have to use vacuum ok?". I had no choice but to agree with him. He asked me to push one more time and with the help of the vacuum, I heard Sonia's first scream. He laid Sonia on my chest, all bloody, slimy and gooey. My first reaction was to stroke her back. Like how I stroke my cats when I want to manja them. The nurse came and washed her. My then partner performed the azan on her when she is all cleaned.Dr Wong was busy stitching me up and I could hardly feel anything. Perhaps it is the euphoria of having a newborn. The pain that I felt vanished in seconds and I could hardly remember how painful it felt at that time.

Before I was wheeled out from the labour room, the nurse put Sonia straight to my buxom and she started suckling. I am amazed how nature works. How does a small baby knows how to suckle from her mother or how a person like me can suddenly transform from an indifferent individual towards children to someone who wants to shield, protect and love this scrawny newborn?The nurse that wheeled me to the room is the same annoying nurse that said to me that I could not take the pain. I looked into her eyes and said " I did it!I did it!I didn't use Epidural". She patted my back and said " Good for you Balqesh".

I was glad I choose Dr Wong. He may not be the perfect gyne during my checkups but he is the perfect doctor for the labour. He checks on me almost every hour and he respected my birth plan. He even said, I should get a rest and I should not receive any visitor because I had a very long labour. My after care was excellent. He gave me that light treatment twice a day and it helped in getting the stitches dry up faster. When I complained that my milk was not sufficient, he assured me that I should not worry too much and he even gave me a pill to help me with the production of milk.Like I said in the previous entry, my milk was not melimpah ruah. I was struggling the moment she start nursing on me. The pill is a wonder pill. It helped me throughout my nursing days.Without the pill, I reckon, I would have given up hopes of nursing Sonia.

After giving birth to Sonia, I was on the roll. I could not sleep. I was always awake, constantly checking on her and when she had to be in the nursery room for her UV light treatment, I was pacing through the corridor to see her every now and then. I was like a mak kucing hilang anak. My boss came to visit me and she saw the look on my face and she said " Balqesh, you could have your daugther room in with you, even if she is on the treatment". I called the nurse and they wheeled her in within minutes. It really helped to calm me down, knowing she is close to me. I did not even feel tired even without proper sleep and rest. I was so kiasu that I worry about everything. Why she is not pooing? Why is her jaundice still so high?Is she getting enough of my milk?Is she cold?Is she in pain under the UV light?I knew I was not one of those cool mothers. I was one of the kalut mothers.

I have to say, after whatever I went through, I thought I would be serik but I knew, even in the hospital that I would love to go through it again.I relish the moments when she sleeps on my chest or how she would inch her way to my stomach area to sleep or how funny her mouth looks when she tries to latch on to me or how she would hold my fingers so tightly with her scrawny fingers or how she would stop crying when I hold and pacify her.Sonia is truly a God's gift to me. No amount of reading or advice prepared me for motherhood.I never knew the joy of motherhood until I experience it myself

GE

Everywhere you go, gym, kopitiam, office, functions, you name it - the hottest topic will be about general election. There are all this banners, billboards, radio airtime, news papers advertisement-full page full colour, all this attempts to brainwash the people to vote to the right party. Everyone will be yakking away about it, whether they are registered voters or those indifferent individual who choose to talk about the politics and how the current government should change but does not bother to even register.

I have to admit I don’t read the papers, namely due to poor time management. Whatever I am going to write is based purely on hearsay and emotional sentiments. Hence why you should not place any importance on my views in this entry.

“Deny two third majority hence the parliament will have checked and balance. UMNO isn’t a platform for nepotism. This is what I call democracy”. “The current government is so corrupted and cronyism is so rampant”. “Our PM is a sleepy head, he spend billions and jet set Jean all around the world”. These are some the cries of supporters of the opposition parties .The opposition parties promises that they will combat corruption, cronyism, reduce taxes etc etc etc. I wonder if they rule the government, will they be able to bring meat to the table or is it just empty talks by empty cans? Are you saying that if you have the power, there will be no corruption? Why is it when the wronged person was in the government, he didn’t complaint much? Why do I have to vote to a party based on religious beliefs? Who are they trying to kid with?

I see myself as an impartial person. I don’t deny that the present government has many flaws .There is much can be done to improve the current government and tackle ever pressing issues of development of the country and hopefully achieve a develop nation status in time.

I still long for the days when Tun Mahathir was still the PM and the successor will have Tun’s shadow hovering over him possibly until time of immemorial. Much like our beloved neighboring country ex premier-LKY. I don’t see any reason why we should raise our eyebrows to this notion. After all, LKY and Tun has ruled the country for years and they have tasted enough salt to share their fair share of knowledge and experience to their successor. I guess I am living in the land of make believe.

Tomorrow I will drive 236km back to Taiping to cast my vote. Who am I going to vote for? I am going to vote for a party that protects the rights of the Malays and the bumiputeras. I will vote for the party that funded me to boarding school, preparatory school and later university. I will vote for a party that paid all expenses for my dad’s bypass surgery because he has served his country most of his working adult years. I will vote for a party that not only ensures stability, peace and harmony amongst different races but at the same time trying to improve the development and infrastructure of the country that I can be proud of. Which political party will that be? You go figure

# Balqesh Abdullah

Eye can see!Eye can See!

“Its something that my bespectacled alumni often say, but never actually get down to doing it. LASIK surgery. To those lucky people who may never understand the inconveniences of having blurry vision, laser eye surgery reshapes the cornea to correct short-sightedness, long sightedness, presbyopia or astigmatism. But this procedure is often met with much trepidation, after all we are talking about our eyes here. And so, with anxiety worsened by few horror stories of friends of friends”-Bazaar EditorI am pretty sure there are a lot of people will share the same view as her. I for once was nodding my head vigorously reading her article on LASIK eye surgery. I have been wanting to do LASIK for years. Initially out of vanity and the inconveniences of wearing glasses or discomfort of putting lenses every morning and taking it off every night but of late, due to my dependence on my lenses, it made my eyes really dry and in turn, it causes eye infection. And when I say eye infection, its not a merely a simple eye infection. I could be driving and all out of sudden, my vision goes blurry and I cant even open my eyes. Then my eyes will be inflamed for the next three weeks. My white eyes will be red, blood shot red and its itchy and sometimes I rub my eyes so hard that it will be so swollen by it. Quick check with the GP and I was referred to Tun Hussien Onn Specialist Hospital. The eye doctor drop me the bomb. I will constantly have the eye infection problem if I continue using lenses unless I use glasses or I have to undergo LASIK. I was hesitant. I wanted to console myself that this is only a one time problem. I was wrong. Last year alone, the eye infection keeps recurring every few months or so. It took me at least four bad case of eye infection to make my decision to do LASIK.

I remembered the first time I went to a specialist eye clinic with a friend. He highly recommended the clinic as he and the mother did their LASIK there and he claimed that the doctor is the best eye doctor in town. Trusting his words, I went there with him. To my surprise, the place looks like an abortion centre. The doctor asked me to remove my lenses so he can put some sort of liquid on to my eyes to dilate my pupils. Once that is done, he did few eye test and decided that I am a suitable candidate. Just like that. However, deep down inside me said not to do it. I am glad I trusted my instinct. I just found out recently that you need to lay off lenses for two weeks to get back to its original shape to get accurate power result.

I met Dr Choong at a social gathering. Extrovert and great sense of humour . I could have never guessed that he is an eye specialist. I told him of my problem and he said to drop in his clinic and he will get my eyes checked. I did. The clinic looks like a proper eye specialist clinic. After filling the form, I was ushered to a room, dimly lighted and has few massage chair. The nurse asked me to relax while she puts me the eye drops on my eyes while I was massaged by the massage chair. I had to undergo test after test to determine whether I am a suitable candidate. Turns out I am a suitable candidate. Dr Choong advices me that LASIK is an elective surgery and I should only do it if I am sure of it, bearing the pros and cons of LASIK. I knew I found the right doctor and the right clinic.

On the day of procedure, I came in freshly showered with no fragranced product (that interfere with the laser) or makeup. My eyes were tested again and I was ushered to the operation room, after dressed in scrubs. Dr Choong guided me through the process from the first machine that lasers the corneal flap and to the second where the lasers reshapes the cornea. All I needed to do was to keep my eye square on the blinking red light. The procedure itself is only 20 painless minutes. I was advised to sleep after the operation. Honestly, all you could do is sleep because they put too many eye drops on you that you cant even open your eyes. After three straight hours of sleep, I could see clearly.

I am like the kid who just got a new toy. I keep looking at the distance I am always amazed at how things are so clear now. Although half way through the operation I started to doubt my decision especially when the second machine was making zapping sound. It sounded to me like the blue lights that you see at the restaurant that attracts the flies and it kills the flies immediately. Looking back, I am glad I did not be a drama mama and tell Dr Choong to stop, just because I am uncomfortable with the zapping sound. I don’t think its possible either but I am sure I could be a handful if I do that. Until my eyes is completely heal, I have to live with eye drops and I could not swim or wear eye make up for a month. Thats a small price to pay for a perfect vision. Nothing beats a perfect vision

# Balqesh Abdullah

Chicken O' Chicken

Last two days ago I notice a small red bump on my arms. I thought "must be some nyamuk gigit". The following day I noticed I had more than 10 similar red bumps on my body, namely my back, thigh and chest. Its itchy but its bearable. Still thinking it could be a case of some bad nyamuk gigit or worse still bed mites, I let it slip until I was talking to E and he said he suspects its either chicken pox or measels and asked me to get it check.I went to the clinic half heartedly.The moment Dr Soraya saw my red bumps, she confirmed that I have chicken pox.What!!!!Me chicken pox?Dah tua bangka baru dapat chicken pox?

I called my mum and I asked her whether I had it before when I was younger and she said "I cannot remember la Balqesh. May be yes may be no. I know your brother had them"Thats what happens when you have too many children and you dont have a memory of an elephant.

I called my sister to inform her about my breaking news.Its either the Abdullah's blood or just plain case of kiasu, her first reaction is "OMG!I have to stay away from you"

The first thing I did was to call the office and say I am off till Chinese New Year.Yabedabedu!Tak payah kerja!!I can finally bangun lambat and catch up on my readings and perhaps watching E!News every waking hour.Sounds like a perfect plan right?WRONG!!!This is my first day resting and I am bored to death!!!Although I have access to internet connections and piles and piles of books and magazine, I am still mati kutu.

Since my breaking news spread, I received sms and calls from well meaning friends and clients of what not to eat and what not to do. Saw gruesome pictures of chicken pox gone bad on the internet. Chicken pox is real bad news peeps!

I am still in denial. I still dont think I have chicken pox.My reasons?I dont have the symtoms of chicken pox , i.e fever, aches and pain or tiredness. I only have the red spots. Even then, after taking the medications, the number of spots has not increased since yesterday.I called Dr Soraya and she says not to worry because every individual react differently to chicken pox.Perhaps mine is a case of delayed reaction.Delayed reaction?Thats so me.

I guess I have to strum my fingers and wait a couple of days and see whether its chicken pox or my body saja suka suka nak plays tricks on me.I surely hope its the latter

# Balqesh Abdullah

My very first attempt to blog

I have been meaning to write for the longest time but I have shelved the idea for the fear of people's ridicules on my poor, dry and not to mentioned not creative writing.I have read so many blogs and I am always amazed at all bloggers that dared to put down their thoughts to the world and I said to myself, "no way in hell I will be able to do it".However,as days goes by, I tried to sample my thoughts in facebook shout out ( i know its lame and keciput) but for me to actually pen down my thoughts is a BIG thing ok?Little by little, I find myself liking the idea.
So here I am..joining the bloggarama so please be kind to me:)
What should I write?My frustration, my joy and my syok sendiri thoughts?You just have to wait and see or shall I say read?

# Balqesh Abdullah