Faith

When things go wrong as they sometimes will
When the road you are trudging seems all uphill
When the funds are low and the debts are high
You want to smile but you have to sigh
When care is pressing you down
Rest if you must but dont you quit

Life is queer with its twist and turn
As every one of us sometimes learn
Many a failure turns about
He might have won had he stuck it out

Dont give up though the pace seems slow
You may succeed with another blow
Success is a failure turned inside out
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt

You can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far
Stick to the fight when you are the hardest hit
It is when things seems wrong that you must not quit

unknown

# Balqesh Abdullah

new leaf

I have put my life on hold for the past few months for you. It is crystal clear that you are the same person when I left you. You are trying to mask all your faults by shifting the blame on me when you are the problem.Trying to jade me with all your tears and terror tactics again?I am a fool no more

# Balqesh Abdullah

Matrix of domination

My dearest E,

You have shown remarkable disrespect to me and my loved ones. It is breathtaking to me the level to which the disrespect has rises. You cannot beat me up more than I have already beaten up myself. I have been stripped bare and I will work with everything I have. If you cannot accept my talents and abilities, I do not need you and you dont deserve me. I am just tired. Tired of going through the cycles.Tired of the emotional pains you have inflicted on me. Tired of investing real commitments in this marriage.Tired of your constant taunt.Tired of you.

# Balqesh Abdullah

withered rose

"When love beckons to you, follow him
Though his ways are hard and steep
Though the sword hidden amongs his pinions may wound you
It kneads you until you are pliant"-Khalil Gibran

I have tried to make marriage vows mean what they say but I have failed. I can only summarize my whole feelings on my current state of marriage in this extract from a dear friend

"The strength of a lady is not by how hard she hits but in how tender she touches
Not in the weight she can lift but in the burden she can bear"

# Balqesh Abdullah

A loss cause

"God determines who walks into your life. It is up to you to decide who you let walk away, who you let stay and who you refuse to let go"

I know life is no story book. Marriage is not for the faint of heart.After months of enduring much pain and heartache, I have come with peace with myself.No matter how hard I try to hold on to it, sometimes I just have to learn to let go and face the fact that while some good things never last, some dont even start.

# Balqesh Abdullah

Broken Doll

Here's a story a friend of mine once told me, in her own words:

One day my young daughter was late coming home from school. I was both annoyed and worried. When she came through the door, I demanded in my upset tone that she explain why she was late. She said, "Mommy, I was walking home with Julie and halfway home, Julie dropped her doll and it broke into lots of little pieces." "Oh, honey," I replied, "you were late because you helped Julie pick up pieces of her doll to put them back together." In her young and innocent voice, my daughter said, "No Mommy. I didn't know how to fix the doll. I just stayed to help Julie cry."

Dan Clark - extracted from 'Chicken Soup for the Mother's Soul'

I received this extract from an old friend of mine. It made me ponder. It made me realised that sometimes, its best to be there and cry with the other person rather than coming up for solutions for the other.

I remembered one particular night I was crying my heart out. I was a total nightmare.My daughter saw me.She came to me, hugged me and push my hair away from my face and wipe my tears away. She held me until I finish crying. I learned a valuable lesson from my daughter that night. For me, that was all I need. I dont need any solutions. I just need to know that someone I love dearly feels my pain.Period

# Balqesh Abdullah

I dont know anymore

"You see, i loved her. It was love at first sight, at last sight, at ever and ever sight"-Lolita

I came across this quote when I was reading Tony Parson's "My Favourite Wife".I have always enjoyed reading his writings. Somehow I feel his "Man & Boy " and "Man & Wife" is a narration of my life. He evokes my emotions with his writings. I cried, laughed reading his books and I even quote his writings everytime I write, be it in my sms, my comments on people's notes on FB or my failed attempt to write in Notes in FB.

Waiiittt......this entry is not about Tony Parson. This entry is about-I dont know anymore.

Right then. When I came across this quote, I asked myself "Is this real?"Can anyone experience such deep emotions?".

I guess I can see the relevance of this quote if we are talking about our precious lil one but can I safely say that it can be applied to our partner?

You know what?I dont know anymore. I thought I knew it all. I thought that I was the perfect wife. I thought that I would make him happy. I thought I could be his centre of universe. I thought I could be his confidant. But I have to say, I failed.Miserably.

No matter what I do, no matter how hard I tried, I seem to hurt him. Again and again.

When we were started courting each other, I could feel the love. From the way he speaks to me to the way he looks at me. We could be in complete silence but yet, I felt his love. Now, he look past through me. I dont make him laugh. The very sight of me does not make him smile. Even the hugs feels empty.

I dont know whether its the curse of the first year of marriage or we are still adjusting to each or the stress of work has taken a toll on us, I just dont know anymore.

I read it somewhere " When there is nothing left, that is when you find out that love is all you need". Let me add to it " How do you give love when the door shuts even before you have the chance to knock on it?".

Maybe I am cursed. Maybe I am not destined to be happily married ever after. Maybe I am just a selfish prick. Maybe I am a self centred person. Maybe I am not capable in making him a happy person. Maybe I just cant keep my man. You know what?I just dont know anymore.

# Balqesh Abdullah